Thursday, January 9, 2014

The blame game

When I was 6 years old, my mother left me with her sister because she was working far away from home.  I had to live with my aunt and her three-year-old daughter.  
It was decided that our neighbour from our home village would also come to live with us in town in order to take care of us.  We started well and there was no problem, until one day she showed her true colours.
She made me do all the things she was supposed to do.  I had to wash dishes, sweep the house and bath my cousin.  If I didn’t do it well, she would beat me. 
Sometimes she even choked me with a pillow. This happened  for a long time.  I did all her work and at the end of the day she would threaten me, saying  if I opened my mouth to talk about it,  she would kill me.  I turned into a very sad child.  
Because of this, I wanted to seek for revenge .When I was 11 years old, I met her daughter and every time I saw her, I would make sure to hurt her.
When I was nine years old, I was abused by a stranger.  He just came to the school and pretended that he needed help.  His car was stuck by the river.  A lot of us went to help him, but on the way, many turned back to school, and I ended up with only one other girl.  I kept on saying I wanted to go back and that’s when he took out a knife and said if we screamed, he was going to kill us and leave us there and no one would know where we were.  He then abused us.
I grew up with anger towards men.  I used to think that they were all the same and I aimed to hurt men since this was what the man had done to me.   I started drinking alcohol  at the age of 17.  I felt unworthy and I thought I did not have value in life, so I started living in night clubs and bars. 
I would just sneak out of the house and go partying and there I would play with men.  I would take their money  and I would make sure I disappeared.  I knew in the end they would want to be paid back.  I went from one bar to another.  I was naughty at school and I did not care about anything.  I was a bully.  I used to bully other students and even the teachers at school.

No one knew about my past until I came to church.  I always looked for deliverance not only from this torment but from my self accusation about all that had happened.
 I told God that I was broken and I needed him so much.  Before I knew it, I was delivered from my past.  I had peace of mind.  I was free at last!  The thoughts of my past can come back, but they do not hurt me any more.  I started seeking God in my life and I was converted.  I changed the way I looked at myself and I saw life in a different way.
Molebogeng Mucane

Lebo since then has become a survivor of abuse and has volunteered to help other women out of the self pity and self blame. She is one of our Save a Tamar counsellors in Gauteng.

4 comments:

Yoyo said...

This is a very powerful testimony Mrs Lebo,may God use you much more to help other girls who find themselves in the similar situation. thank for sharing with us Mrs Marcia.

Marcia Pires said...

Dear Yoyo
Take the opportunity to refer this post to other friends who will benefit from it.

ms guni,england said...

It takes a lot of courage to open up, when it comes to all sorts of abuse.

elisa said...

Dear Mrs Lebo
growing up without a mother figure in life can be very difficult, and as you grow you realize that you missing so much from your mother and there is a lot you are going through and you have no one to tell. I would like to thank God that He helped you to become free from the pain that you went through and that you came out to say to women that they should speak out and not keep quite. Your testimony will really help others. Keep strong and God bless you.
Elisa