Sex drive as a child - meet Luiza

When I was about 6 or 7 years, I do not remember the exact age, I was molested by a teenage neighbour who happened to be a frequent guest at my home.

I remember that we were both naked and just as he was about to ‘do it’, my father passed by. Though he could barely see what was happening, the little he saw, did not please him. Since he was with a friend who had come to visit, he just went to my mother and asked her not to let me fall asleep until he got back home.

Whenever we did anything wrong, he had a habit of beating us with no clothes on, and he would ask my mom to prepare a bowl with water and salt for us to sit inside of it, after the beating.

And this is exactly what happened to me that day. I really got beaten up and after I had to sit inside of the bowl with water and salt.

From that day on I started having desires for sex, even though I was a child, I was very mischievous in this regard. I would even have erotic dreams with adults and even my girlfriends’ parents.

Years went by and I always thought that I did something wrong and deserved to be beaten up. I blamed myself and I did not like how I was, neither the kinds of ‘desires’ I had. I could not understand, and always had a question mark within me, there was always a ‘why?’.

Such was my childhood. I would usually play like any other child, but the difference between them and me was that I would go beyond normal playing, especially with a certain boy.

My father was always very strict about our education, he was like an army sergeant, if I can say so, and my brothers and I grew up very afraid of him. We would always respect him but would also be scared of him, because if we did something wrong we knew how we would be punished.

When I became a teenager, he told me that I could not date. Only when I would reach a certain age I would be allowed to date, as I did not know the meaning of it yet! With these ‘puzzled words’ in my head I obeyed him, and I stopped doing the things I used to do as a child.

However, from that day onwards I had thoughts of prostituting myself. As I thought of young ladies who were free, nobody could restrain them and at any time they could satisfy their carnal desires. Such was my ignorance.

I had never told this to anyone, but when I started dating a guy, who is now my husband, I talked to him. I did not speak about the ‘desires’ I had, but I told him of the way I was. I told him that one day I did something very bad and got a terrible beating from my father, and that it really haunted me.

However at the time, I never associated what happened with the fact that I had been molested. Mainly because at the time there was very little knowledge about pedophilia or anything as such.

Regardless, that question never left my mind, until the day I found the Lord Jesus and converted. Then I realised that it was the works of demons that had made me to be such a mischievous child. Right then I found out the answer to the ‘Why’, but then I though to myself, ‘So, I figured out ‘why’, and without a doubt it was the works of unclean spirits who were behind all those things, but that wasn’t all.’

Many years went by, and there was still inside of me a question mark that went beyond what I had discovered after I found Faith.

Whenever I spoke to the mothers in the Church, I would always warn them to watch their children, and never let them to play behind closed doors, but to always keep an eye open and teach their children on how to react in certain situations. I also spoke with BSC teachers about it. I always had this concern because I thought that if my mother had watched over me more, I would not act the way I did.

It was always shameful for me to remember who I was, and did not want the same to happen with the other girls.

My sister, who besides being my sister is a very good friend, never heard about this. Absolutely no one, not even my brother and my deceased mother knew about this. I never commented with my mother how beating had affected me.

Last year was my first event of Godllywood “Breaking the silence" and we had an inspector of the police against abuse and domestic violence, and after the lecture we were talking to him about this whole subject of pedophilia, sexual abuse cases he receives etc. and at some point he said something that made me to wake up.

He said something like: "I get angry when this happens, especially with kids, because they lose the purity of their childhood."

At the time everything came back to my mind, I confess that tears came to my eyes and I agreed with him, as it was absolutely true.

Then I went to my husband and said that I had discovered the root of what was behind all that I had passed.

I realised that was not the culprit, but a victim.

Today, by knowing the source of my problem, I can help those who one day were molested or abused, like I was. To help them discover their roots and pluck them out so that they can move forward with a guilty free mind and bear good fruit.

Luiza Silveira

Zambia