Glaucia |
Like
any other young girl, I longed for love, peace, joy and a home throughout my
childhood. Love was something I heard about but never received, not even from
my mother who I thought would give me unconditional love. On the contrary, I
received the worst from my own family. Things went quite well at home until I
was about 10 years old when my parents’ relationship began to sour. My mother was
unfaithful to my father, cheating with many boyfriends and their relationship was
destroyed and they divorced. I hated to see my parents part ways, it was
shameful and painful for me and my siblings specially because she didn’t think
about how this would affect her own children. If she loved us, how she could do
that to us…..
I
began to resent my mother so much. I hated her for everything she had put us
through, the pain, the suffering and the shame that she had brought upon my
family. After she left, after the divorce, my relatives began to bad mouth her saying
her behaviour was worse than that of a sex worker. They wanted nothing to do
with us. They hated us for the way my mother had betrayed our father. The
hatred I had for my mother grew. I was
truly lost and hurting at this time, wondering why my mother would do such
things to us.
When
I was 12 years old, things become even more difficult for me and my siblings.
To support and help my family financially, I had to work during the day and
study in the evenings. However, this was not the only challenge. My older cousins
started behaving strangely towards me. They looked at me in lustful ways and would
say I was too beautiful, my body was very attractive and that they were worried
that other guys would also see what they saw and would have me before they did.
They would not allow that to happen. They told me that I was bound to turn out
just like my mother: I would be a slut and an embarrassment just as she was, and
so the horror began. They started to abuse me sexually and emotionally. They
would touch me, running their hands all over my body, telling me I was good for
nothing. This was humiliating. I hated having to go home because I knew what
was going to happen, so I used to make sure that someone would be in my house
so I could arrive safely. Nobody knew what was going on, and obviously I could
not tell my relatives because that would prove that I was just like my mother. I began to feel useless, like I was rubbish,
and that indeed I was not good for anything. I wanted to die. I was filled with
fear. I could not stand being alone in the house just in case my cousins found
me and abused me. I became very protective of my two younger sisters and did
not allow them any freedom. I never wanted them to be left alone because I did
not want them to face what I was going through. The worst moment was when I was
very sick and was sleeping. I woke up with my cousin on top of me. I shouted
for help but he shut me up. I really wanted to die. Many times I asked God to
kill me because I did not have the courage to do it myself.
One
day I had really had it. I decided to end the pain by taking pills but I
realised it would be selfish to take my own life because my family needed me to
take care of them. If I ended my pain, I would be just like my mother. I threw
the pills away but I was bitter and full of anger. I had suicidal thoughts every day and I did
not have anyone to speak to – not even my dad as he was already in so much
pain. I blamed myself, thinking that somehow this was all my fault.
One
day I decided that someone had to pay for what I was going through, someone had
to feel what I was feeling, and so I started to abuse my abusers’ children. I abused
them physically and even sexually. I wanted them to suffer as much as I was
although this did not satisfy me or ease my pain. Afterwards I felt bad,
guilty, ashamed and so dirty but I wanted revenge and for my cousins to suffer
as I was suffering.
I
had had enough of the suffering and my behaviour towards others, but I was
still so hurt inside. I doubted God’s existence because I questioned how He could
allow such terrible things to happen to me and I doubted that He loved me. I
was empty. I pretended to be happy to avoid people asking questions but I was a
zombie, dead but alive. I went to church with my father when he invited me to
make him happy, but one day when the pastor preached, I felt he was talking
about me. It was as if someone had told him my story. He said there is a way
out of suffering and that God loves us no matter what we have done, regardless
of how bad our lives have been. For the very first time I felt God’s love and I
started to see a way out of all the suffering. I began to attend the chains of
deliverance in the church. In time I was able to forgive my mother for all that
she had done and put us through. I forgave my cousins who had abused me and
most importantly God helped me to forgive myself for all that I had done to my
cousins’ children. This was very difficult.
Although
I was free and attended the church youth group, I did not believe in marriage.
I thought it would cause suffering as my parents’ marriage had done. However, while I was an assistant, I met a
man who would become my husband. Although I liked him, I did not think I was
good enough for him – I was afraid of a relationship.
After
we were married, I began to punish my husband for the trauma in my life,
although I was not aware of doing this. Sometimes I pushed him away, I could
not be affectionate to him and I felt bad. My husband was patient and
understanding, although he had no idea why I was acting in that way.
A
few years ago at a wives’ meeting, Mrs Marcia was talking about her experience
of abuse and how she overcome it. Her courage in sharing her story touched me.
I began to think about my husband’s complaints about my lack of affection. Then
at another meeting I remember Mrs Marcia saying that we should look at our
actions (things we do that hurt others including our husband) and things that
we don’t like about ourselves but can’t understand why we are acting in this
way. She encouraged us to be sincere and look inside ourselves no matter how
difficult it was and identify the root of our behaviour so that we could deal
with it and change.
I
made a decision to find the roots and change, and so my journey began. I had made
myself forget all about the abuse that I had suffered and my abuse of others
because I was so ashamed of it and I was afraid of what my husband and friends
would say about me.
But
the time had come to confront it and really deal with it. It took me a year to
process everything and with Mrs Marcia’s help I learned how to talk about it
openly with my husband. I was shocked by his reaction, as he said that I could
use what had happened to me to help young ladies and women in the church.
Today
I am not afraid to speak about what happed to me, quite the contrary and I am
happy that I can help people through my life experience.
I
am a truly happily married woman. I thank God for everything He has done in my
life and for putting people in my life to help me: my beloved husband who was
ever so loving and patient with me and Mrs Marcia Pires for all the help and
support she gave, and continues to give, to me.
Glaucia dos Santos
South Africa
3 comments:
Very strong even this testimony! Sets an example for many women who find their lives to have no hope. In God all things become new!
Very strong , for sure you will help many women who are or have gone through this situation .
My God bless you
kisses
it really helps young women like me to learn to lean on God in everything I do not to take it into my own hands but the hands of God
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